No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
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Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you