@dru0887: No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
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@electrolemon: i'm so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don't accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just "all the money you got"
@PaperWash: What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone's life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
@graceful_asfuck: [Burger Lounge] Server: Are you 27? Me: OMG NO I'M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY Server: I meant your order number, ma'am.
@ThisOneSayz: Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big. Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he? Me: on the wall! Hitman: that's a spider Me: kill it!