No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
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Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
They’re not wrong
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!