No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
You Might Also Like
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
estão todos miauvindo?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”