But I really needed water water water
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I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Twitter remains undefeated
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Sniffing the broccoli
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.