I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
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Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.