boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
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The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Cats (2019)
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Me irl
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation