No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
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My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
my sentiments exactly
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.