No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
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Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
me when the borders lift
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.