No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
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[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Meat Cute
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
This is Sparta
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?