@robfee: No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
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@clindsaysway: We got a tornado warning, and I'm too scared to open my windows. Don't want any sharks in my house.
@dafloydsta: Doc: I'm afraid you got 6 months to live Me: Why are YOU afraid? Doc: I'm not Me: You said you were Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?
@LeonHWolf: How do you explain this gap in your resume? "I was in jail." Okay. Sure you weren't working for Trump's campaign? "Swear to God. Jail."
@ParentNormal: Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us