No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
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Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.