NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
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How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Are you ok, human???
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.