no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
You Might Also Like
Did my cat write this
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
yeah no that’s fair
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.