No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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meanwhile over on facebook
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”