@ajax06: No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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@Mr_Kapowski: [press session regarding increase in shark bites] Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area? Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water
@squirrel74wkgn: I'm just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day...it may be time to trim things up a bit.
@Brentweets: Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn't noticed... Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
@BlindChow: INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you're good at small talk? ME: ʸᵉˢ INTERVIEWER: holy shit