No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.