No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
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*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
🤭😂
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
This could be us… but you playing
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I don’t know what to do
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec