No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
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The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.