[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
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Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
A dad and his duck
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”