i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
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Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!