No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
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You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.