“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
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[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.