“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
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I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Clients after you give them your rates
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power