@DanKCharnley: No matter what meal it is, always say you had "brunch" so people know how much better than them you are.
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@SortaBad: Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea? "I'm not. that. innocent." *frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
@joekellyjk47: As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don't be late to that.
@JonnyStallone: Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
@shkeeber: Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines: -Badger juggling -Heroin enemas -Grenade soup -Live cobra condoms -Roman candle tampons -Ebola