No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
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greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Hello Twits.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator