no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
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Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct