No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Meeeee too!
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Make new friends? bro out of what?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??