God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
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Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My typo game is string.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter