No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
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This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running