An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
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Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks