It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry