An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
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About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone