@jeannerbeaner: "No more self-deprecating tweets," I whisper fatly.
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@timdonakowski: After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.
@DanKCharnley: [1st day as undercover cop] *approaches drugdealer* Me: "Yes hello I'd like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!" *gets stabbed*
@vickykhappy: A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent. That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.