“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
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Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
How long do you have to wait between naps?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY