@badbanana: "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye." Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
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@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Don't be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit. ME: Ok, I will. [later that day] ME: I quit BOSS: WHAT?? ME: I said, nice squid
@benerdist: A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
@Storminika: "We don't have iced coffee" Me: "You have coffee?" "Yes" Me: "You have ice?" "Yes" Me: "Were you raised in a barn?"