“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…