No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
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Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
stop
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.