No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
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Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Chemical wingman
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”