No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
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I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?