no one ever comes back
You Might Also Like
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door