Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
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[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out