No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target