No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
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Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!