No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
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Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans