No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
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I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Omg 🤣
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows