@GingerAtLaw: No no, I'm not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
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@protolalia: Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver's license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
@MmeSurly: My kids wouldn't stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they're crying and I'm like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.
@Sassafrantz: He'd probably stop sending me "good morning, beautiful" texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.
@MarlonBrandNO: MOM: Story time ME: Yay! MOM: it's called "The Little Engine that Could, but doesn't cuz he's a little shit that won't move out" ME: mom?