No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
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“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.