‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
You Might Also Like
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Never ghost your hitman.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.