“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
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You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Smells like a challenge to me
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!