“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
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I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Bringing home a sharpie
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.