No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
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*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.