I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
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Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Cool shirt 🙂
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’