My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
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How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks